Hello 18-02-18

 

My first blog post...what do you people write about?

Well I love writing, I love reading & I love learning new words, I even write them down on my journal/notes app on my phone. I create stories in my head, last time I wrote them down I was in high school and my high school English teacher took it, I dont know what she did with it but yeah that put my writing goals to a hault because I figured I'm not good at it.

A close friend and my young sister have convinced me to start blogging and I have been thinking about it for weeks now. 

So here goes nothing: I'm a 32 year old (was 21 for 10 years) black African woman who lives in the  hustle and bustle of Joburg South Africa. You see I'm Zimbabwean and moved to Joburg almost 14 years ago. It's an amazing city, big city lights, exciting atmosphere and I have called it home for a decade and a half and honestly I don't see myself living anywhere else other than here.

I've been working for 6 & half years at some company and beginning of this year I quit my job. The most scariest and braviest thing I've ever done but I had to honour my soul and release myself from a toxic environment. I'm currently unemployed, back at school now, scrounge the internet for jobs, spend most of my time studying, watching tv and being a personal chauffer to my sister. 

For now...Welcome to my life and I hope you enjoy reading about it. 

Hey there...please note to view old posts you have to scroll down

The life of Zee 25-02-19

Have you ever thought that the way you were raised has played a big part in your life with the choices you make and the way you've been living your life as an adult? Well I think about it often, I sometimes feel like my parents have turned me into an introvert. Please don't get me wrong, they are amazing people, they've made sure that me and my siblings never have to want for anything and we receive love always.

 

You see from as long as I can remember I've been the fat one in my family, because of that I was told not to dress in a certain way because it might not look good on me. In my early teenage years I was a tomboy - big baggy jeans, long ass skirts, big unflattering tops to try and hide my boobs because those babies starting coming when I was 10years old fam. My late older sister used to dressed in anything she wanted and be told how pretty she looked, I envied her. I wanted to be skinnny like her, have all the boys look and admire me like they did her. Sadly that never happened & having skinny beautiful friends in high school made things worse. And slowly my mind started playing tricks on me, making me believe that everyone was looking at me, talking behind my back about how ugly I was.

 

I stopped trying to socialise with people, I kept to myself most of the time, I even went as far as refusing to go to the local groccer to go buy bread. I would go to school, come back home and spend most days indoors. Now I believe that's when I became an introvert.

 

The reason why I'm talking (well technically writing) about this now is because I'm trying to change who I've been for the past 2 decades and be more outgoing, lively, sociable but I'm really struggling. I mean I even attend nertworking events where I'm literally being forced out of my comfort zone to talk to strangers and 7/10 times I'm sitting by myself (really defeating the purpose of networking) or spending the whole day with the one person who approached me ealier that day. 

 

My friend always gets upset with me, because I make plans with her to go to some club or party and at the last minute I cancel. You have to understand I would really be wanting to go, outfit will be set out & all, but the moment I start thinking about how many people will be there who will be looking at me and judging me because of how fat I am, how my neck is darker that the rest of my body, how big my boobs are, how nasal my voice is, how I can't dance... I literally become paralysed by my fear and I end up thinking I might as well stay home than be out there getting "judged". 

 

I've been in SA for over a decade now and I love how full figured women are admired here, the level of confidence that they have is what I hope I can achieve someday soon. I was never taught to be confident in how my body is, sometimes when my Mother is around I even try and suck in my stomach because I know what she will start talking about me exercising, eating less blah blah blah. I know that she means well but it gets to me this constant commenting on how I look, how I dress etc. I wish they could realise how big a knock my confidence takes everytime those remarks are made. I strongly believe it's one of the reasons that make me choose the wrong men I date, but that's a story for another day. 

 

Some people think I'm full of myself because I don't immediately warm up to them- no that's not the case, I'll be trying to find the courage to talk to you and making a silent prayer that you like me too. It's hard for me guys, you just have to understand that I'm more comfortable all by myself in the dark corner by a party...

 

But I hope that this year in 20mineteen I will change and be an extrovert...shoo I'm pushing it, lets say be more easy going.

 

I'll be keeping you posted 🤭 

New Beginnings 05-02-2019

So it turns out that the month that the Youniverse has chosen to be my reckoning month is the month of February. 32 days into the New Year I resigned from my new job, you see I had promised myself that I won't let anyone/anything mess with my mental health, I have worked so damn hard to get back to being normal and anything that topples that in my life just had to go!  

 

After 4 months at the new job, last friday I knew for sure that it wasn't a place for me, I had met good people, even became friends with some of them but I knew deep down inside that it wasn't working out. And the last push came after a very intense meeting for me to realise that the end had finally come and there was no use avoiding the inevitable really.

 

Long story short, I'm back here again, but at least this last time I have a somewhat solid plan. In all my career life, Sales has been my thing, but maybe, just maybe it's just not the right path for me. As a wise woman once told me: "Sometimes what we love is not what we're supposed to be doing and vice versa".  

 

In my year of #selflovery I've learnt to trust that there is a future waiting for me that is beyond what I might be ale to grasp at this present moment. I can spend my day worrying about stuff or I can spend it being and thinking positively. It's my choice and I choose the latter. 

 

Oh welcome to 2019, hope this year will be the year for each and everyone of us to be able to reach our ultimate potential and be glamourus whilst at it 💋 . 

 

Cheers to New Beginnings!!!😀

 

 

Just hanging...10-12-18

Sigh… so I’ve been opening this blog, I type out sentences, I re-read them a couple of times then I decide to just delete everything because I'm not feeling the content. The thing is I have so many things that I think about at once and I go on and on and I end up not making sense at all! Then I feel stupid and think that’s probably not what you want to be reading about anyway.

 

I broke up with “Nomics” 💔, well technically we were not dating but we were on the verge of it. My reasons were I honestly don’t want to struggle with a man, I’m way past that age of trying to "build a man" and all he had promised was to give me attention and that’s all…At first it sounded sweet but when I thought about it I realised that nah, it’s not what I want. I’m a grown ass woman not some naïve teenager who gets off from attention. I want all the works, woo me, buy me flowers and when he hears me complaining about being low on airtime/fuel or whatever that needs money he should step up and make a plan and not commiserate with me! I know this probably makes me sound like I’m a gold digger or materialistic but the man in my life should be able to Profess, Protect and Provide (thank you Steve Harvey). If you can’t do all 3 I might as well be single than struggle with you all because I think I might love you! No thank you!!

 

Then I attended the Global Citizen Mandela 100 Festival. Words simple can’t express how amazing that was, sure I got lost going back to my shuttle but it was worth it, I got to watch Beyonce, Jay Z & Ed Sheran live guys, like LIVE LIVE! That has been the highlight of my year guys, you have no idea I was literally in tears when Queen B came on stage. And did I tell you I got to watch the show for free? I paid nada for the experience (well except for buying snacks and water), it was simple amazing 😀.

 

Now on the job front, it’s still the same issue – dear potential employer who happens to stumble on this post, please know that I’m a dedicated hard worker who really puts 150% into what they are doing…

 

Laters guys, let me try and do what I’m good at (actually I don’t know what I’m good at right at this moment)

Like a Bawse 24-10-18

Shoo! where do I start?? 

 

Well for starters, I totally sucked at the blogging everyday for the month of September thing. I only managed to only do 1 post 😥.

 

A lot has been taking up my time, I got a new job and I suck at it. God knows I’ve given my 150% into this place, I came in guns blazing and ready to conquer the world. The one person who’s supposed to “train” me isn’t doing so other than make me do his work and make me feel stupid 80% of the time. You see my previous boss really did a number on me, I can’t be assertive and a go getter on this new job because I’m afraid I’ll be called rude and disrespectful, I can’t have that as one of my descriptors. So I chose to keep quiet and let things happen. If you know me, you know I’m a bubble nice person and I do love to talk but at this place they’ve even given me a nickname – “Smumu” which translates to The Mute One because I rarely talk and I only answer when spoken to. I definitely know you will be disappointed when you see me at work.

 

I wake up every morning and I literally have to force myself out of bed  just to go and do something that I'm familiar yet unfamiliar with ( I hope you get me), I've considered quiting it and going back to be unemployed but I think about how much I've been a burden to my parents in the 7 months I was home, plus I made a promise to myself that I only have 1 quit per year and I've already used up my one earlier this year. So got no choice, I have to saddle up and get on that job horse like a real mofo cowboy! 

 

Other than the job, things are kinder cool , I'm healthy - haven't been sick at all this winter so yah to me that's a big ass deal! Btw...I'm on the verge of getting into a very complicated situationship, my mind is telling me that  I'm supposed to run and avoid this potentially heartbreaking ship but my body (& maybe heart - but I'm 150% sure that at this moment it's my body) are going towards it. "Nomics" has been laying it thick hey, he's actually crazy about my big body, can you imagine?! Like where has he been hiding all my adult life??  I'm curious, maybe this is for real or maybe it's just a glorified shaghip and that's what it will be. Either way I plan on enjoying this, I'll def keep you posted on that front. 

 

And lastly guys I need your prayers, I don't have energy to study anymore, Iike I can't even open my books. I seriously don't know what's happening with me or what but I've lost all the oomph. But I cannot afford to fail this time! Please keep me in your prayers.

 

In the meantime I'm going to to fake positivity like a mother freakin' bawse and try to live my best life.

 

Laters! 

Spring has sprung!! 03-09-18

Don't let the headline and the beautiful photo fool you,  according to the Southern Africa calendar we're supposedly supposed to be in warm weather now because "Hey, it's Spring!", but it is still freezing AF! Well I might be overly dramatic about it, yes the days are warmer and the sun doesn't set at 5pm anymore, but in the wee hours of the morning and after 6.30pm the chills are there, basically what I'm saying is the cold still "walks" amidst us.

 

This is why I'm writing this in bed under covers with my electric blanket on - hopefully I won't fall asleep halfway through because I'm on a roll, I've made a commitment and I'm a lady who keeps her word (well most of the time)

 

Last week a Twitter account named @AfroBloggers asked if I will be able to blog everyday for the month of September, I was so excited and agreed to take up the challenge. I  never realised about how difficult that will be me for me really, I mean, I have to come up with content on a daily basis & that's not easy because I'm not much of a story teller, I just love writing about my life experiences. 

 

I'm 3 days late for the challenge I know, a lot has been happening in the past days that have kept me busy.

 

On Saturday the 1st of September I went to SoulFest that was happening at the TicketPro Dome in Joburg and boy oh boy did I have the time of my life! Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I will ever get to watch SWV, Dru Hill (read Sisqo) & TLC perfoming live!!! I danced, I sang my lungs out, screamed and had a total jol!!! I'm a sucker for RnB and I will keep on saying it till the day I kick the bucket (not literally kick the bucket, I mean when my soul decides to leave this earthly body of mine, when St Paul says, "Hi babygal, we've been waiting for you, come show us how to brush our fros", when I meet my creator - you get it right? lol) RnB isn't dead, 20 years later the songs still evoke some kind of deep satisfying feelings in me and they still sound amazing to my not so young ears. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and for the first time in years I got home way after midnight, but I still got up in the morning to go praise, worship and listen to the word of God. The joys of not drinking alcohol - I don't know what a hangover is anymore, haven't touched alchy in yers but that's a story for another day, remember I still have to post stuff till end of Sep right? So keep on reading my posts and leave me comments (words of encouragement)

 

This "year of saying yes" thing is working for me I tell you, I'm getting to experience things that last year Zee was never going to do, I meet and engage with strangers, I go on solo dates, I make sure that I at least manage to find something positive to focus on instead of thinking of everything that is/that could go wrong. I'm living my best life really.

 

Goodnight Lovelies, till tomorrow.

 

p.s, I'm curious to where my brain and keyboard are going to take me in my next blog post.

 

 

So then I took my turn, oh what a thing to have done & it was all yellow

Just one of those days 14-08-18

You know there are times when you feel like total shit? Well I've been feeling like that for a while now. I don't know if I've lost interest in certain things or I'm just going through a phase but I can't explain what's happening. 

 

I'm a very methological person, meaning I do things on a certain order, every night before I go to sleep I do a mental checklist of what needs to be done the following day, that way I have my whole day accounted for. Well of late I've been doing the checklists but I haven't had the zest to carry out the tasks. I wake up, bath, get dressed & I alternate between crocheting or binge series watching and sometimes I study.

 

So back story: As mentioned in post number 3 I think (not 100% sure as I type this), I've been busy trying to get my life in order. First I quit my job, well quit is not a good word but what the hell, let's call a spade a spade, I quit! That was the first step towards me finding myself and yes I am still glowing from that decision. The second one was to finish my high school education, up until recently I was doing fine with the studies and the assignments, I think my consciousness is playing a very sick joke on me. I mean I've suddenly grown afraid of failing and the fear is crippling me, I wake up at around 5 having panick attacks and I'm so afraid of failing and having to disappoint my parents and the few others that have all the faith in me. 

 

The other 2 - losing weight & finding love, well those are not happening😥. I'm struggling to achieve either of the two. I love food and I'm hypo-allergic to exercise, everytime I plan on walking to the shops in the morning, something happens to me and I oversleepp. I really suck at this whole being healthy thing. I know I'm making excuses and I'm being pathetic. On the finding love front, let's just say it's 2am and I've been typing this post for the past 2 hours whilst I'm watching Grimm season 2...I could be all boo'd up right now but hey it is what it is!

 

By the end of 2018, I should be slimmer and maybe happier. 

 

Till next time, laters 

Phew! 31-07-18

4 months to go till end of 2018! Time has flown by, literally...

 

Minimal waves have been happening in my life, for starters I've managed to pay off my debt, I'm currently debt-free - yipee!

 

On a not-so-high note: I've really been struggling to study, I'm suffering from procastination :( . I really don't know what's happening, I can't explain it. Maybe it's my subconscious that's messing up with my confidence...pray for me. 

 

And well on the love side, I thought I had found someone who was as quirky as me, but alas, it didn't happen! So I'm back to the drawing board, I know what I'm worth and what type of man I'm looking for and I won't settle for less. This finding love thing is hard hey, how the hell do people make it happen??? ButI'm definitely not throwing in the towel, I'll find umaqondana wami :). 

 

I know I haven't been posting for a while, I'm kinda suffering from writer's block and I hope reading more novels and watching tv will ignite my imagination flame.  

 

Until next time, ciao!!! xoxo!!!!!!!

 

 

It's a LOVE thing 13-06-18

If you recall in one of my previous posts, I'm very much single (not married, not in a relationship, not in any situationship). I get jealous of people in love, I know it's sad but that's just who I am. Please do not get me wrong I'm not saying that I wish them bad, no, I wish I was like them, to have someone who be loving me up, calling me, taking me out to dates and the whole shindig.

 

So in my quest in finding the one to love me that way, I've kissed a lot of frogs, I mean a whole lot of them. In my lifetime I've only ever loved one of those frogs the rest I was just settling. But unfortunately that did not make me immune to heartbreak, the ones that I was settling for broke me, I mean I had been investing a lot into those relationships, my time, my "love" ,money and to have that thrown back at me hurt me big time. In my last relationship I was left in a pool of tears, I literally thought there's something wrong with me, maybe I give too much? Too much attention, too much love, too much of an opinion? Then I realised that there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just "attracting" the wrong type of guy.

 

Then this year I decided on loving myself first, in the words of RuPaul, "If you don't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?". In this life that The Almighty has given me, I'm all that I've got, sure I have all the support from my loved ones but it all goes down to me. After taking a shower, I put on my makeup, I dress to the nines I take a good look at myself and I actually love what I see. I now love myself more than I loved myself last year, so what I'm a big short woman? The One will look at me and see that I'm the one he's been waiting for.

 

I'm all about loving Nozihlobo aka Z'hlobo aka Zee aka Nozi and I'm done kissing frogs! 

 

 

 

 

Welcome to the second quarter of 2018! 03-04-18

 “Joy is an important element of happiness. It is sometimes the difference between striving and thriving. One must nurture the joy in one’s life so that it reaches full bloom.” Maya Angelou 

This is my favourite line from her book Rainbow in the Cloud: The Wisdom and Spirit of Maya Angelou

 

As we go into the second quarter of the year, I thought maybe I should share what’s been happening in my world. Beginning of 2018 I did a Vision Board, I definitely had my year planned out: I was going to be an educated, debt free, skinny girl in love by Dec! That was my vision, by hook or crook I was going to get it done. No, it wasn’t a New Year’s resolution, that was my plan for 2018! 

 

I’m a happy soul, very introverted but a happy one nonetheless. My birthday came in Jan and I was miserable, I put up a facade and happened to fool everyone to believe I was actually happy that day...my birthday month in 2018 will go down as one of the most challenging times in my life. I’d stay up at night unable to sleep, crying and having conversations with God asking Him, actually begging Him to listen to me. Around 3am was when sleep will slowly creep in and 5am the alarm will go off and I had to get ready for work.

Then when I realised I wasn’t coping & I was going back to my depressed state of which I had fought so hard to get out of years ago, I had to call in the big guns - my Mother. You see that lady is a praying woman of God, she is my anchor, we might not agree on some things but she’s the one person I go to when I feel gravely disheartened. So after having a heart wrenching teary filled late night conversation with her she finally suggested that maybe I should resign from my job, she said I was holding on to it but clearly God didn’t want me to, He was waiting to bless me but I have been hindering His blessings for years by holding on to a job that was clearly not meant to be mine. So on Monday morning the 5th of Feb, I resigned from my job of 6 and a half years , with immediate effect! I remember crying all the way from there to home and not because I was regretting my decision but I was relieved

Back to my 2018 Vision Board, I’ve had to make a few changes to accommodate my new lifestyle (unemployed, living off a very low savings budget)

1 - UNISA Higher Certificate qualification has taken a back banner, I’ve enrolled at a long distance college to rewrite my O’Levels because I truly believe I’m now mature enough (16 years later) and according to me, I need to have a proper full certificate in order to make it in life

2 - debt free, guys it’s hard paying for debts when you’re unemployed and running out of cash

3 - New job...well I’m still looking, I’m slowly becoming a professional interview goer

4 - losing weight, I’m an overeater and food addict,  I’m really struggling with that and I don’t have the verve for exercise 

5 - Love / Love myself, I’m working on that, at least I took the first step and honoured my soul by resigning from work in order to take care of me. Mr Man if you’re out there, holla at this Thick Mama, I’ve got so much love to give you. I’m actually a funny chick when you get to know me (I’m low-key advertising myself because I don’t want to go to Date My Family to look for a dude)

I’m happier now, generally stress free because I live by the mantra Que Sera Sera- Whatever will be, Will be) and I do believe that God is working through me for me to realise and reach my potential. I’m running my own race, at my own pace, at no competition with anyone. I’ve got all the support I need, an amazing family a superb group of friends, what more can a girl ask for really? Absolutely nothing!

Fighting temptations 19-02-2018

I'm a food addict and I turn to food for solace. Food is that Auntie/Bestfriend/Sister that won't judge me and I enjoy it. I'm pathetic I know. 

I've tried so many times to lose weight and that's included countless diets, pills and some sort of exercising (I used to attend races and all...yes I've got medals to prove it). But I just can't seem to let go of food, I'm telling you it's a sad sad situation up in here. 

I used to tell people and myself that I'm genetically fat, but I've come to a realisation that the protruding belly-my kangaroo pouch, the E-Cup breasts, the jiggly thighs and the swollen stubby feet are a result of over eating on my part...I'm sure. 

Over 4 years ago I realised that everytime I drink acidic drinks or I get severe acid reflux and it'll go on for days, so I came to a decision to cut out fizzies and alcohol completely from my life. Now that baffles me because, if I can train my brain to stop craving the cold drinks what's stopping me from training it to stop eating junk?

I'm trying to make changes friends, I don't want to die from weight related ailments. So these days instead of driving to the local shops I walk there and instead of munching on some junk food I drink tea, water and open the fridge for left overs or something. 

I pray I can fight the temptation and stop eating because I want but because I need to. It's very hard but it needs to be done ASAP. 

 

For now, Adios!

Love Life

Borderline OCD, binge series watcher, avid reader of fiction, a geeky nerd & a junkie of different shades of lipstick